The Story of Jon's Strangest Date
by Garfield fan 1
Summary: (Requested by retro mania) Jon finally gets a date that doesn't ditch him halfway through the date or try and murder him, but she has a secret, which Jon doesn't know...
1. Date?

It was another beautiful morning in Muncie, Indiana. Garfield wandered into the kitchen.  
"Good morning, Garfield," said Jon cheerily, "Here's your breakfast!" He proudly lifted a wheelbarrow full of lasagna onto the table.  
"Great!" said Garfield, drooling at the thought of such an ample breakfast. He scooped up a pawful and tossed it towards his open mouth. Just before the lasagna reached his tongue, a shrill ringing noise came from nowhere. Then everything went dark.

Garfield reached out in front of him. He felt his blanket. He lifted it away from his face.  
"Just my luck," Garfield thought to himself, "The one time Jon learns his place, it turns out to be a dream." He looked over to his right. There lay his alarm clock.  
He picked up the alarm clock and threw it across the room, frustrated at it for ruining his dream. It sailed through the doorway to the kitchen.  
"OW!" came a voice from the kitchen.  
Jon walked into the living room. "GARFIELD!" he screamed.

Garfield began, "Jon, listen. I know you're mad right now but let's not get unreasonable abou-"  
"NO, GARFIELD," Jon interjected, "You've gone too far this time. If you won't respect alarm clocks, I'm going to have to wake you up myself."  
Garfield gulped. He knew he couldn't hit Jon over the head to get an extra ten minutes of sleep.  
"But, Jon-"  
"NO BUTS, GARFIELD."  
Garfield was incensed. "WELL, HOW DO YOU LIKE THIS ONE?!" Garfield turned around and shook his rear end at Jon.  
"THAT'S IT. NO LASAGNA FOR A WEEK!" Jon threatened.  
"You _know_ I can get more!" Garfield retorted.  
"Garfield... You are grounded," Jon told him, "You will NOT get more lasagna, and furthermore, you will NOT tag along on my date tonight."

Garfield's ears perked up. "Date?" He rubbed his paws together at the thought of getting even with Jon. If he couldn't have lasagna, Jon certainly couldn't have a girlfriend.  
Jon raised an eyebrow in suspicion. "I know what you're planning," he said, "And I won't have it." Jon picked Garfield up.  
Garfield, though he valiantly struggled and clawed at his owner, ultimately was no match for an angry man with long pants.

Jon threw Garfield into the bathroom.  
"You're going to stay right here," said Jon, pointing a finger at his cat threateningly.  
Then, he slammed the door. Garfield heard a heavy object dragging on the carpet outside the door.  
Garfield tried to open the door. He turned the handle and pushed as hard as he could, but the door wouldn't budge. Jon had obviously dragged his closet in front of the door.  
Garfield tried the window; it was above the toilet, so he knew he's have to do some acrobatics. He hopped up first onto the toilet seat, then to the top of the toilet, then he jumped up and grabbed the windowsill. He pulled himself up far enough to lean his stomach against the windowsill, then reached up to the window and tugged the slide lever. The window was unlocked. He slid the window open and tried to climb out. He was too fat.

Resigned, he climbed down and waited.

* * *

Eventually, he heard the closet being moved away from the door. Jon opened the door.  
"You can come out now," said Jon, strangely happy for someone who just had an argument with his cat.

Garfield ran out of the bathroom and straight to the front door.  
The pet door was boarded up.  
He tried the doorknob.  
It would not budge.  
He tried to ram the door down, but this too was to no avail.

He decided to try the window. He grabbed onto the windowsill only to find the window was not only locked, but steel bars were in place on the sill.  
He ran to the back door. Locked. The pet door was also boarded up.  
He ran around the house searching for an exit. Every window was barred and locked.

Garfield sighed. He walked over to the kitchen, hoping he could get a bite to eat. Every cupboard was triple-padlocked. The fridge had six padlocks, two combination locks and a chain on it.

Garfield fell to his knees, looked up at the heavens and let out a huge "NO!"

* * *

Garfield and Odie sat on the easy chair in the living room. Odie was gnawing on a bone. Jon came out of his bedroom wearing one of his trademark bad suits.

"How do I look, Odie?" Jon asked the dog as he adjusted his polka-dot bowtie.  
"Arf!" replied Odie.  
"Hey Jon," said Garfield, "Who's the unlucky girl tonight? Louis-Anne, the incredible gorilla-headed woman?"  
"Ha, ha, Garfield," said Jon, "I've got a date with a woman named Langwidere."

Garfield and Odie broke into uncontrollable laughter. Once the laughter stopped, Garfield took the opportunity to say, "That name is ridiculous."  
"Laugh all you want, boys," said Jon, "But this lady may very well turn out to be my future wife. Do you want me to turn on the TV?"  
Garfield nodded.  
Jon pulled the remote from his pocket and turned on the TV.  
"...Welcome back to the Lassie Channel," said the man on TV, "Coming up next, a marathon of all 591 episodes of the _Lassie_ TV series..."  
Garfield screamed.

"I asked, you said yes," Jon said, with an evil grin on his face. He disappeared into the bathroom and closed the door.  
Garfield and Odie pressed their ears to the door. Garfield held a finger to his mouth in a shushing motion.  
"Stupid window," came Jon's voice from inside the bathroom. After that came some cursing, followed by the window sliding open and a faint thud.

Garfield and Odie walked over to the front window. Outside, Jon limped over to his car and drove off, narrowly missing an old lady as he pulled out of the driveway.

* * *

Garfield sat in the easy chair in front of the TV, utterly depressed from the show he was watching. Odie sat right in front of the TV, very excited to see the show.

"...Coming up next, a marathon of the 11 _Lassie_ movies..." said the man on TV.  
Just then, Jon's car pulled into the driveway. He got out and so did a woman, supposedly his date. Jon reached into his pocket and grabbed his house key. After struggling for a few moments, the door swung open. Jon walked in with his date. She was wearing a horrific yellow dress with polka dots, high heels with the heels snapped off, and each of her nails was painted a different colour.  
Garfield screamed and covered his eyes before hiding under the chair cushion.

Odie, who was panting at Jon, noticed the woman and began growling.  
"Odie, it's alright, she's with me," Jon reassured.  
Odie went back to panting.

"This is my date, Langwidere," said Jon, introducing her to his pets. "Langwidere, this is my dog, Odie and my cat, Garfield."  
Langwidere crouched in front of Garfield. "You can come out, Garfield," she said, in a voice that was neither friendly nor hostile.  
Garfield crawled out fron under the cushion, taking care to look away from Langwidere's dress.

One awkward conversation later, Jon and Langwidere shared a kiss and they returned to Jon's car.

* * *

Jon, back from dropping Langwidere of at her house, burst in the door.

"Good news, boys!" Jon annonced, "I've got another date with Langwidere same time next week!"  
Garfield and Odie glanced at each other.  
"Brace yourself," Garfield whispered.  
"Ruff," Odie whispered back.


	2. Is she?

The next Friday night, Garfield's nap was, as it had been every time he tried for a week previously, interrupted by a hand grabbing him. He looked up and was, as usual, face to face with Jon and his five o'clock shadow.

"Geez, Jon, have you ever even _looked_ at a mint?" Garfield grumbled.

"You're a riot, Garfield, now stop napping and get busy. If you behave yourself tonight, your lasagna ban and grounding are up," Jon replied, as he rolled some duct tape onto his chin. He screamed as he ripped it off and began doing the same for the rest of his stubble.

"Are you gonna go in those?" Garfield asked, pointing to Jon's clothes.

Jon looked down. He was still wearing his pajamas and bunny slippers.

"Not to worry, Garfield, I'm not the loser klutz you take me for," he replied, inverting his pajama top to reveal a tiger-striped formal jacket.

After repeating the trick with his pants, swapping out his shoes and grabbing a suitably terrifying shirt and tie Jon tucked a flower into his breast pocket and reached for the front door, only to find it was still boarded up, as it had been since day three of grounding when Garfield picked the lock.

"Darn it, I ought to keep a crowbar," Jon mumbled.

"Here you go," said Garfield, handing one over.

"Thanks, Garfield, I- _hey!_ Where did you get this?"

Garfield shrugged in mock innocence.

"Well, go back to bed. I'm going to my second date with Langwidere and you're staying here."

Garfield chuckled and Jon went into the bathroom once again to climb out the window. He swung one leg out the window and prepared to squeeze his body out when he realized Garfield was attached to said leg.

"Just what do you think you're doing, mister?" Jon demanded.

"Maybe you shouldn't have woken me up," Garfield answered, and raced to the front yard.

Jon pulled out a remote and pressed one of the buttons. A tall wall shot up in front of Garfield and he collided with it. Jon strolled over to his stunned cat and shoved him back through the bathroom window. Satisfied that Garfield wouldn't be able to get back out unassisted, he pressed another button to lower the wall, got in his car and drove away.

* * *

Garfield surfed through all the channels on TV for the fourth time straight when once again Jon's car pulled back into the driveway. Soon, Jon and his date emerged from the bathroom.  
Garfield and Odie turned around in their seat and were met with an even more horrific sight. Langwidere's new dress was fluorescent green with spirals all over it.  
Odie sniffed Langwidere curiously a few times and began growling.

"Odie, it's Langwidere!" Jon scolded, eliciting a confused noise from his dog.

"It's alright, Jon," Langwidere replied, "That happens all the time. I'm okay with it as long as I get to be with you."

Jon laughed nervously and they talked some more.

"Is he just bringing her home to show off his new record in longest time a woman's lasted with him?" Garfield whispered to Odie.

Odie barked in response.

"Is she?" Garfield replied, taking another look at Jon's date. She had blond hair. The last time they met, her hair was black.

Odie barked in confirmation.

"Maybe she tagged out to her sister or something," Garfield thought aloud, and ran upstairs to the attic, Odie trailing behind. He dug through a few piles of assorted junk until he found the item he was seeking.

"Here we go Odie, an instant camera," Garfield said, holding up a Polaroid for the dog to inspect.

Odie made a quizzical noise.

"I'm going to take a picture of Jon's date," Garfield replied.

The pets ran back downstairs and looked around for Jon and Langwidere. They were at the front door. Langwidere was picking up nails as Jon pried them off the boards with Garfield's crowbar.

"Hey guys, mind if I commemorate this glorious achievement in putting up with this dork?" Garfield said hurriedly as he took a picture of Langwidere and rushed off.

"GARFIELD!" Jon shouted as he dropped a board onto Odie's paw. With a yelp, Odie hopped after Garfield.

"It's fine, Jon, they must be impressed, judging from what your cat said," said Langwidere.

"Really?" Jon asked, "Because Garfield-"

"They're good pets, Jon," Langwidere replied soothingly, "If that's the extent of their mischief, then-"

"Well, actually-"

"Jon, they're not bothering me."

Jon breathed a nervous-yet-relieved sigh and tossed aside the last board.

"Well, I guess I can take you home now," Jon said, opening the door for Langwidere. She got into the car as Jon turned, one foot out the door, to offer a final message to Garfield.

"If you wanna open the rest of the stuff, the crowbar and keys are on the couch!" Jon said in the general direction of his cat, and shut the door, mumbling about exercise.

Garfield, meanwhile, had fashioned a blowtorch from materials around the house and begun burning his way through the fridge's fastenings. Odie was sitting in the sink with a cutting board over his head.

"You know what I'm going to do next date?" Garfield asked Odie.

Odie peeked out and shook his head.

"The same thing I do every date, Odie, sneak into the restaurant to spy on the date, and more importantly get a good meal."

Odie barked in response and ducked back down in fear of the sparks Garfield was making.


End file.
